The Question of Value

One of the most important lessons I'm learning during this trial of faith is on the issue of value - or more specifically, on how I value myself. I'm a very goal-oriented person, which also means that I tend to attribute value in my life to my achievements - the goals which I set and meet. This, however, has a downside. It means that when I'm not meeting my goals, when "achieving" is for any reason not possible, then my sense of personal value is impacted.

Over the last few weeks, I've experience a great drain on my energy as a direct result of the side-effects of chemotherapy. I've been sleeping a lot more, and the times between sleep, where I can potentially "achieve" practical results in my life and ministry, are short (sometimes just a few hours). You'll have noticed this, for example, in the infrequency of my blog-writing of late.

I'm greatly encouraged by many aspects of my ministry at Evangelical Community Church. I still minister frequently at the various ECC services, particularly at the 11 am Sunday service and the 6pm evening service (also called "Twilight"). Each time I preach, I experience a surge of energy which I know has its source in God's grace alone (adrenaline simply would not produce the strength I experience each time I minister). Each week, I seek to meet up with at least two people to minister into their lives. But although these expressions of ministry have been wonderful outlets for me, I've found myself increasingly discouraged, even occasionally depressed, over the last few weeks.

Not being able to write my regular blog posts has been a case in point. For the first couple of months in 2006 I greatly enjoyed using the blog as a means to "reach out" beyond myself, to use my time of suffering to be a means to bless others. But when this channel of regular output was taken away, due to the sapping of my strength over the last couple of months, I began to experience great discouragement. Why? Because I tended to see the value of my life based on what I was doing, who I was ministering to. When that was taken away, my sense of self-value took a plunge.

But in all of this, the Lord has been speaking into my life. He's been using this time of weakness to teach me that value, as he sees it, is very different to what I see as value. For example, one of the scriptures that the Lord has spoken to me through is Matthew 13:45-46:

"Again, the kingdom of heaven is like a merchant looking for fine pearls. When he found one of great value, he went away and sold everything he had and bought it."

In this parable, Jesus was speaking about the issue of value in the kingdom of God - that once true value is recognised, people are willing to give up all in order to obtain it. But then 1 Corinthians 6:20 tells us:

"...you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your body."

In other words, Jesus put his own parable into practice. He saw something valuable, and was willing to "sell all" (even his own life) in order to obtain it. And what was that "pearl of great value"? It wasn't what I do (my ministry); it was me myself! In the Lord's eyes, I am the "pearl of great value"! I am what he gave up his life for!

This changes the way I look at my life. I'm slowly begin to re-evaluate the issue of value, as far as my life is concerned. It is not in what I do that determines my value, but in me myself. After all, just speak with Elena and the children, and that is what they will tell you. My parents also see it this way. So I also need to begin to see it that way. Value is based on the person, not the activity; it is focused on the relationship, not the function.

Today I was reading Psalm 36:7, which says:

"How priceless is your unfailing love! Both high and low among men find refuge in the shadow of your wings."

Notice what is "priceless" (or of "great value") is God's unfailing love. Value in the kingdom of God is based on relationship - the mutual flow of love. What a wonderful God, who looks at us not in terms of what we can do for him, but in terms of who we ourselves are.