Healing From the Inside Out

Over the past few weeks, I've experienced a broad spectrum of highs and lows, both physically and emotionally. In this post, I want to share with you a little of what I've been going through, since my experience is common to many who are facing the same battle with cancer.

It's important to understand that the emotional battle is just as real as, if not more real than, the physical battle. And beyond both the emotional and the physical is the spiritual plane. In fact, I believe the spiritual arena is the main arena of the battle. Paul says, in Ephesians 6:10-12:

"Finally, be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power. Put on the full armor of God so that you can take your stand against the devil's schemes. For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms."

Paul is informing the Ephesian Christians that our enemy, the devil, has "schemes", or as The Amplified Bible puts it, "strategies" and "deceits" (click here to see Ephesians 6:10-12 in The Amplified Bible).

Here's how The Message phrases Ephesians 6:10-12:

"...God is strong, and he wants you strong. So take everything the Master has set out for you, well-made weapons of the best materials. And put them to use so you will be able to stand up to everything the Devil throws your way. This is no afternoon athletic contest that we'll walk away from and forget about in a couple of hours. This is for keeps, a life-or-death fight to the finish against the Devil and all his angels."

This is, indeed, a "life-or-death fight to the finish" against a spiritual enemy, and his tactics manifest themselves on many different levels - spiritually, emotionally and physically.

Physically, I have cancer. This is a life-threatening disease - in fact, it is technically "terminal" by medical prognosis (which puts a whole new light on the expression "life-or-death fight to the finish"). Medically, this disease can be clearly defined and diagnosed, even though the root causes of cancer are not fully clear, even on the physical plane. But I am not simply a physical being. My body is the shell that houses a soul and spirit, and Satan doesn't limit himself merely to physical attack. In fact, his most potent weapons are psychological and spiritual.

I have wonderful support around me - a loving wife and children, loving parents and loving brothers and sisters in Christ, who are all praying for me, earnestly interceding on my behalf. Yet I still face physical challenges. I often experience times of great fatigue and ill health - dizziness, nausea and pain. Usually I'm able to face these with a strong sense of confidence in the Lord, and experience the absolutely amazing grace of God. When I'm in pain, I'll tell Elena and she'll pray for me. I'll also give a call to my parents, who will join me in prayer. Their spiritual support for me is "relentless" - their faith is absolutely amazing. I'm humbled by the amount of loving support I have.

Yet there are also times when I will get discouraged. This is particularly when I get frustrated by my physical limitations. In times past I've battled depression, and although depression no longer has a hold on me, I'm still touched by it from time to time. But this is just part of the "schemes" that our mortal enemy, Satan, has in his arsenal against us. We each have weaknesses, and our enemy targets those weaknesses - tailors his "schemes" against us very specifically. What works against me may not work against you, and vice versa - and our enemy knows this and manipulates this to full advantage.

So over the last few months, I've found that the biggest battle - and the primary focus of faith and prayer - has been in the emotional arena. There are times when I want to put on a "brave face" for others, because simply advertising the inner pain doesn't help anybody. However, I do share this inner struggle with those closest to me. And I want to share with you a little of what I've going through in this way - not to get your sympathy, of course (sympathy, although temporarily pleasant, doesn't go very far), but so that you can understand the process for others - or maybe for yourself, if you yourself are facing a similar battle.

Depression, or its lighter version, "getting discouraged", is as old as the human race. In Psalm 42:5-6, David writes:

"Why are you downcast, O my soul? Why so disturbed within me? Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise him, my Savior and my God. My soul is downcast within me; therefore I will remember you..."

Jeremiah also had every reason to be depressed. After the destruction of Jerusalem, he wrote in Lamentations 3:1-5:

"I am the man who has seen affliction by the rod of his wrath. He has driven me away and made me walk in darkness rather than light; indeed, he has turned his hand against me again and again, all day long. He has made my skin and my flesh grow old and has broken my bones. He has besieged me and surrounded me with bitterness and hardship. He has made me dwell in darkness like those long dead. He has walled me in so I cannot escape; he has weighed me down with chains."

In Lamentations 3:18-20, he goes on to conclude:

"So I say, 'My splendor is gone and all that I had hoped from the LORD.' I remember my affliction and my wandering, the bitterness and the gall. I well remember them, and my soul is downcast within me."

The Message brings out the sheer sense of Jeremiah's hopelessness and despair:

"I'm the man who has seen trouble, trouble coming from the lash of God's anger. He took me by the hand and walked me into pitch-black darkness. Yes, he's given me the back of his hand over and over and over again. He turned me into a scarecrow of skin and bones, then broke the bones. He hemmed me in, ganged up on me, poured on the trouble and hard times. He locked me up in deep darkness, like a corpse nailed inside a coffin. He shuts me in so I'll never get out, manacles my hands, shackles my feet. Even when I cry out and plead for help, he locks up my prayers and throws away the key. He sets up blockades with quarried limestone. He's got me cornered."

This is the cry of someone who's in the depths of depression, feeling like he's been "locked...up in deep darkness, like a corpse nailed inside a coffin." Theologically, we know that although God disciplines those He loves (Hebrews 12:5-11), He doesn't bring upon them mortal harm (Jeremiah 29:11). Yet emotionally we can feel not only that God has abandoned us, but has even directly brought this pain upon us.

The key to depression is found in Jeremiah's self-description in Lamentations 3. In verses 19-20, he says:

"I remember my affliction and my wandering, the bitterness and the gall. I well remember them, and my soul is downcast within me."

Depression and discouragement is fed by this "remembering" of pain and anguish. And it is a self-feeding condition: the more you "remember" it, the more you are ensnared by the feeling of despair and hopelessness. But in the midst of this despair, Jeremiah also found the answer. In Lamentations 3:21, he wrote:

"Yet this I call to mind and therefore I have hope..."

In other words, Jeremiah purposely "called to mind" something. He refocused his thinking and this is what reinjected hope into his heart. And what did he refocus his mind on? Lamentations 3:22-26 tells us:

"Because of the LORD's great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. I say to myself, 'The LORD is my portion; therefore I will wait for him.' The LORD is good to those whose hope is in him, to the one who seeks him; it is good to wait quietly for the salvation of the LORD."

David also discovered this secret, for in Psalm 42:6, he wrote: "My soul is downcast within me; therefore I will remember you..." And like David, Jeremiah also speaks to himself. David said, "Put your hope in God." Jeremiah tells himself the same thing: "The LORD is my portion; therefore I will wait for him."

At times of great discouragement, the antidote is the Word of God. Although it is difficult to do (believe me, I know), the key is to refocus your heart and mind on the Lord, and the only way you can do that is by rehearsing God's Word - "remembering" something different, thus breaking the viscious cycle of self-feeding depression. A good way to do this is to play a worship song on your CD or MP3 player and sing along. Another way is to get an audio-Bible and play it to yourself. Or simply read God's Word. What you will find is that, slowly maybe, your mind begins to refocus and your heart begins to be strengthened, just as Paul said in Ephesians 6:10: "...be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power."

The Message brings out the depth of both Jeremiah's depression and the answer he discovered. In Lamentations 3:19-24, The Message says:

"I'll never forget the trouble, the utter lostness, the taste of ashes, the poison I've swallowed. I remember it all -- oh, how well I remember the feeling of hitting the bottom. But there's one other thing I remember, and remembering, I keep a grip on hope: God's loyal love couldn't have run out, his merciful love couldn't have dried up. They're created new every morning. How great your faithfulness! I'm sticking with God (I say it over and over). He's all I've got left."

Jeremiah rehearsed God's love and faithfulness - saying it "over and over" - and that's what made the difference. I've discovered exactly the same thing. When I begin to feel depressed, I consciously make declarations of God's character. I declare: "My God is faithful. He is all-powerful and He has covered me under His shadow of His wings. I will trust Him regardless of the circumstances." Slowly, sometimes painfully slowly, my heart becomes reinforced by the truth of God's Word (see also my account of how this works in "The Reflex of Gratitude").

We are so often a people who are "Bible-challenged." We can become anorexic spiritually, starved of God's Word, living week by week on small morsels we get from the Sunday sermon. But Jesus said, "Man does not live on bread alone, but on every word that comes from the mouth of God" (Matthew 4:4). This was never meant to be weekly experience of hearing God's Word but a daily one. If we starve ourselves, except for a weekly binge, we end up spiritually weak and unable "when the day of evil comes...to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand" (Ephesians 6:13).

My healing is not just a physical healing. God is healing me "from the inside out." My spirit is being strengthened, my emotions renewed, and my physical being sustained and healed. I can give testimony to God's grace on every level of my life.