Torn Between the Two

When I originally started this blog, I had no idea that I had cancer, but I've decided to record my journey - my thoughts, encouragements, struggles and experiences - in this blog so that hopefully this will be a blessing and help to others.

I've had only a short time to come to grips with the diagnosis of cancer, and yet I feel totally confident in the Lord's grace. Regardless of the outcome, He is in charge, and what a difference this makes!

I was reading Philippians 1:12-26, and in verse 12, Paul writes:

"Now I want you to know, brothers, that what has happened to me has really served to advance the gospel."

He then goes on to say in verses 18-20:

"...And because of this I rejoice. Yes, and I will continue to rejoice, for I know that through your prayers and the help given by the Spirit of Jesus Christ, what has happened to me will turn out for my deliverance. I eagerly expect and hope that I will in no way be ashamed, but will have sufficient courage so that now as always Christ will be exalted in my body, whether by life or by death."

Paul then goes on to make his definitive declaration in verses 21-26:

"For to me, to live is Christ and to die is gain. If I am to go on living in the body, this will mean fruitful labor for me. Yet what shall I choose? I do not know! I am torn between the two: I desire to depart and be with Christ, which is better by far; but it is more necessary for you that I remain in the body. Convinced of this, I know that I will remain, and I will continue with all of you for your progress and joy in the faith, so that through my being with you again your joy in Christ Jesus will overflow on account of me."

I really feel that this statement echoes my own sentiments. I honestly don't fear death...in fact, to die, as Paul says, is nothing but gain. I will enter into the glorious presence of the Lord - something I'm actually looking forward to. As Paul said: "Yet what shall I choose? I do not know! I am torn between the two: I desire to depart and be with Christ, which is better by far: but it is more necessary for you that I remain in the body..."

There is a time for everything, and it is the timing issue which is most important to determine. And so I went before the Lord and asked, essentially, "Is this my time or not?" Like Paul, I could honestly say, "I desire to depart and be with Christ, which is better by far" but like him, I also felt that "it is more necessary for you that I remain in the body."

The answer I believe I got from the Lord (which I'll share more later down the track) is that this is not my time to go. In 2 Timothy 4:6-8, Paul, at the end of his life, wrote:

"For I am already being poured out like a drink offering, and the time has come for my departure. I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, I have kept the faith. Now there is in store for me the crown of righteousness, which the Lord, the righteous Judge, will award to me on that day — and not only to me, but also to all who have longed for his appearing."

But as I talked with the Lord, I felt that I have not yet come to the point where I can say "I have finished the race." In other words, I believe there are still a few more laps for me to run.

Thus, just as Paul was earlier convinced in Philippians 1:24 that at that time he had some more laps to run, I can say: "...it is more necessary for you that I remain in the body..." And so, also like Paul, I can also say:

"Convinced of this, I know that I will remain, and I will continue with all of you for your progress and joy in the faith, so that through my being with you again your joy in Christ Jesus will overflow on account of me."